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| OKAY SO THE MUSIC IM LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW ON PANDORA IS HORRIBLY UPTEMPO AND HAPPY FOR THIS SHIT the only reason im not posting this on livejournal is just because afj dkla IDKIDKIDK NOBODY LOOKS AT THIS ITS BAISILY ME TALKING TO MYSELF ASFJKLA. SO BOYS ARE STUPID AND I LOVE HOW ITS JUST LIKE WTF OKAY YOU JUST FORGOT I EXSIST GREAT.
or maybe he just forgot that im his girlfriend or maybe he forgot that he HASNT BROKEN UP WITH ME YET LIKE THE OTHER TWO IDIOTS WHO ASSUME THAT BREAKING UP BY THE SILENT TREATMENT IS LEGIT. LIKE SERIOUSLY i dont even care anymore if it turns out he hates my guts or not (well, i prefer that that doesnt end up being the truth but..) ANYTHING IS BETTER THEN BEING STUCK IN THE DARK LIKE THIS if he doesnt care he doesnt care i'll deal with that later but FIRST I NEED EITHER REASSURANCE OR JUST JFKSLA SOMETHING SOMETHINGSOMETHING. | | |
| Its such a common scene in movies, shows, real life. The girl thrashing around in her bed while the moonlight seeps in through the blinds. She wakes up from her nightmare screaming. Or wakes up from her nightmare completely shocked, runs through the events of the nightmare in her head and then bursts into tears over it. Or wakes up crying. Or wakes up and doesnt go back to sleep. Now the topic of these nightmares are just as varied, right? Monsters, aliens, creatures from the night.
Being stuck in a strange, dangerous world.
Losing a race, a competition.
Failing a test.
Going to school without pants.
A stalker/creeper following you with a knife in his hand.
Someone dying.
Your mortality on the line.
Losing your best friends.
Losing your boyfriend.
But lately I've been having these dreams, where I wake up and theres this horrible feeling. I dont feel like screaming, or hiding under the pillow. I dont feel the need to carry pepper spray with me everywhere or be protective of someone else. It doesnt make me paranoid about the layout of the mathtest I'm about to recieve in second period.The dream itself was wonderful, but not a fantasy. It displayed my life the way I wanted it. Its not like the dream was some fantasy, with me as the queen of the world with servants and bodygaurds following me and a prince charming and wardrobe bigger then my current house.It was completely realistic. It was what I wanted my life to turn out as at the moment. These dreams make me realise what I yearn for--what I'm completely in reach of, but what, for some reason, I cant have. And I woke up with this pain that just strikes me and makes me just want to hide beneath the covers and never come out because I know I have to face everyday life with this picture of the dream from the night before constantly taunting me of its exsistence--how I know its completely possible but yet I cant have it. But obviously, I had to get up and go to school, and go through it all. Its this unbearable yearning that cant be satisfied and never goes away. So whats worse? Nightmares, or good dreams? | | |
| mmmmkay. SO. i guess i did get my hopes too high.
saturday:
came to the meet a bit early. so i started like. attacking people and saying hi and stuff before it was time for warmups. and holy shittttt austin grew like...a foot. hes 5'9" now. and im a tiny little 5'4". im gonna be short forever D:
200 breaststroke--> holy molyyyyy. it was so painful. like. PAINful. i dunno why thoughh. cause like. last time i swam this event, i was fine. i cut like, 2 seconds..and that was in JUNE. but anyways. i dunno. everything about my stroke and that race felt so weak even though i was trying my hardest. and when i came out of the water i felt like my lungs were gonan collapse or something. tehrefore, i added 7 seconds.
100 free--> i sprinted the first 50, died in the second, and practicly collapsed on michelle. the end. added one second instead of dropping two seconds like i did IN PRACTICE. (gawd, im so mad about that race. mad with a passion.)
200 IM--> Painful. I swam the whole thing as hard as i could, but yet when i got out of the water, i saw the board and it said i added 5 seconds. so i did. i dont know how, but i did. i got last in my heat. and my dad just HAD to come up to me right after my race and be like "theres something wrong with you." coach josh was nicer about it. he said it was nothing to cry about (PFT, NOT FOR ME) anddd he just said that i need to work on having a more intense stroke and some other confusing stuff that takes energy not to confuse myself about. sunday:
ooooohkay.
by the time i got there, the boys session already ended. so i didnt get to talk with smexychinkygangsterspiffybikerBOBBY and austin and evan that muchhh. erm, at all, in some cases. but i still had time to stretch out before warm ups.
50 free--> the thing i dont like about this event is that you dive in, swim two laps, and its over. its either you swim it, or you dont. but anyways. i added a second, instead of dropping one like I DID IN PRACTICE. (again, this annoys me soooo much.) but i didnt get that upset over it. erm, at least, i dont think i did >_>
100 br--> holy mother of pearl. i added another second. josh said my stroke was quicker then the200, and better, but but but SOMETHINGS STILL WRONGGG. and i wanna know whattt.
200 free--> now this event was most painful for my lungss. after the first 50, i just gave up on building it, and ended up just amking sure i didnt slow down. cause i was afraid of like, dying ;-; (god, im such a baby sometimes.) added 5 seconds. andddd i got out, sat on the bench to like. recouperate.
and right when i got to josh hes like "YOURE TOO FRICKIN NICE TO THE WATER"
--;; its not my fault! the water isnt nice to me. and im not TRYING to be "nice to the water". anyways he talked with me for like, 3 minutes about why i shouldnt be upset about my "not perfect" performance this week and how "even though you didnt have the best meet" its okay. whatever. i just wanna do better the next meet, and try to get some zone cuts.
aiight. im out. i need rest. love,claire | | |
| OKAYYYY.
SWIM MEET IN LESS THEN 24 HOURS. ...anyways.
:] okay i know you guys dont really careeee cause you dont understand the awesome world of swimming lingo, but here i go!
the events: 50,100, and 200 free. 200 IM. 100 and 200 breaststroke.
the goals: gawd, just best times, please! for free, i would like a 27.5 for the 50, and either 1:00 or under for the 100, cause i swam those times at practice tuesday. its unlikely i'll repeat taht swim buttttt. might as well try right? and then 200 IM, if i race against shay or hannah, i wanna beat them. heh :] i know "its a race against yourself, not others". well SORRY if i have a slight competitive side. my breastroke events, i want to make AA times if i dont have them already.
so. im pretty pumped up =] im just afraid that if i dont get best times, i'll let my mental un-stay-calm-ness get in my wayy. i hate the fact that the meet is split up into boys/girls sessions. its annoying.
cause half the friends i know from swimmng are guys. so i dont get to watch them swim :[ andddddddddd. school is pretty..8thgradeish.
progress reports/intermms-->science A; english B (a veryyyy low b); reading B; math A; history B.
wonderful. my parents arent too happy with all the B's. here.
THE ASIAN PARENTS GRADING SYSTEM.
A+ or A <-- "good child!!!!!"
A- <-- "keep working hard, or else youre gonna suck."
ANY B <--"you suck. youre being stupid;; work harder dumb child."
C <--"you know what, im not gonna even bother. "
am i right, or am i rightt? OKAYGTG. resttt.
good luck to all those in the meet<3 love.claire
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| lalaaa. school//okay sooo. readingblahblahblahhomeecblahblahbalh. OKAY. math was pretty evil. we had 50 minutes to do this pretty big test. i mean it wasnt HUGE, but it was big enough that some people had to stay in for some of their lunch time to finish, even though i got to lunch in time in trade for not checking over my work :] andd HOMG HISTORY DAY PROJECT. its not THAT bad, but still, im a little worried. now people are talking about dropping out of g/t do to this project. i think thats pointless, cause youre gonna have to do the project sooner or later, so might as well get it over with. i already kinda have a topic chosen, now i have to come up with a thesis statement and resources =/ orchestra//yayy! soo we just went over some music we missed last time which was hectic, cause its baisicly sight reading really hard music...well, its not that hard after a few times practicing with it..but for sight reading....my stand partner and i were both like "OMGWTF" andd during break sexyspazzliciouschinkygangster bobby took pictures. well, he kinda failed at that ;] but who careesss? at least he got a few clear pictures. (even though i quite honestly think i look horrid in all of them) <3 and uhhh then i had to leave early for team pictures at the pool///i got there RIGHT when they took the pictures, so my mom yelled at me. but i got over it after a while. spent some time with the girls--ate a box of pizza with alicia and geordie-- and thennnn once most of the girls left i spent some time withhh austin and matthan and frances and michelle and dennis andddd....imforgettingsomeone. i wanted to play duckduckgoose, but chris APPARENTLY had a better game, called "pick up all the empty pizza boxes and throw them in the giant dumpster out back"
it wasnt as fun, but we sang songs on the way there and back. fun stuffff. then ride back home with frances =.= and nowwwww. im being cool. missing greys anatomy to talk to some worthy friends :] i recorded greys instead, and i'll watch it later. sooogtgbye! love,claire | | |
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